How Did I Ever Get So Lucky?

(Right before I left Saiful's condo about an hour ago.)

Me: I wish I didn't have to go home.
Saiful: You mean you wish you were home.

All together now... awww.

An Hour Out Of My Life

I drove all the way to Kelana Jaya and saw that the hall lights were off and the doors were closed. So I drove all the way back. Schtoopid. On the bright side though, it is now proven that Alia Ali can drive on a non-lit road at night and make it back it one piece. Brill. :) This is about the fifth time I showed up for TKD not knowing it was cancelled. Sigh... when will I ever get my exercise? Oh yeah. I'm seeing Saiful tomorrow. Naughty. Down, gurl.

What's Your Take?

I lost my disposable camera. Again. It has many pictures of SaifulandAlia, but more importantly, the only documented proof of a single morning when Faruq had taken a shower and I had not. The last time it went astray I found it in the glove compartment of Saiful's Kelisa, so I'll have to take a lookee in the Kancil. Plus I had lost a library book yesterday, and found it, thank goodness, or not I would have to fork out my own moolah for it.

Was watching 'How To Make An American Quilt'. Don't ask why I subjected to a Wynona vehicle, but it's actually pretty good. Plus with Dermot Mulroney and Jared Leto, you can't go wrong. But I digress. There was this one flashback that stuck to me. Samantha Mathis' character, Sofia, married this Preston guy. All was dandy, he promised to bring her around the world, yada yada yada. Right after their first child was born, they started drifting apart. This Preston character was a geologist, and he often went away for weeks at a time for work. And they kept on drifting, though they didn't divorce. Around fifteen-ish years later, when Sofia was asleep, Preston went away. And never came back. Strangely enough, even though it was unexplained in the movie, he did it out of love. And stranger still, even though I would never do it myself, I see his point. Preston loved Sofia so much so that he let her go. If he stayed, and kept up the charade of the white-house-with-picket-fence family, he would end hurting her even more, and prolonged her pain. So what I want to know is, do you find his actions justified? Send me an email. I want to know what you think.

In other news, Uncle Norazit passed away. Inalillahihuainalillahirajiun.

A Lengthy Yap

Haven't logged for a whiiile. Here's a recap of on-going going-ons:


1) Eleanor emailed me. O_o

2) I have a new classmate, Clara. We're going to Urbanscapes!

3) Someone's dying. Complete detachment, yet I cry.

4) Auntie Adibah is such a wonderful woman.

5) Hanis can talk



I must elaborate.

1) I was at Epol's house for a couple of days this past week. I check my mail, like I usually do there, since I can't email from my Yahoo! account at school, some cookie thingamajiggy. So okay, click on 'Inbox' and I see the sender name: "go figure". Wait seminit*... Click on it. 'Hey, how've you been? Gong Xi Fa Cai!' Er... let's just say I was taken aback. Almost a year of complete incommunicado and suddenly this? So I mail her back tiny details, what's going on in school and about Saiful and about me moving. I check my email the next morning, a reply! Goodness. I replied back, another reply later in the day and I reply back. And the tone of the emails... even Epol, who was reading over my shoulder at the moment, who doesn't know Eleanor at all, said that the emails were so impersonal. I agreed completely. She and I used to be so fantasmagorically close that you pretty much couldn't get one without the other, and we've degraded to this. Weird. She hasn't replied though. Oh well.

2) A new classmate has arrived! She's from LUCT and thank heavens, knows her music! Whee! She's into mostly rock and stuff she 'doesn't understand', mainly Jap and French bits. Her name's Clara something-or-other (didn't get her surname) and I'm dragging her to Urbanscapes this weekend since she's 'been getting into local stuff'. I'm just going to see a) Aidil from the band Couple, b) Nice Stupid Playground, a GREAT band from Sarawak, Brit-poppy stuff, c) the graphic design teams who are apparently setting up their stalls there, and d) take a gander at the short films. A day of artsy fart culture, pity I can't drag Epol along as well, he's going down to Port Dickson for some weekend sleepover since his friend Anis is going off to Australia on the 10th of next month. He pretended to be me on MSN Messenger for quite a while last night, carried on a conversation with her for about...20 minutes? Damn, she's blur*.

3) Uncle Norazit isn't doing well at all. He's in the ICU at University Hospital and I took a peek into the room just now, he just looked...awful. Who's he? See, when my dad was a principal at one of the residential colleges in University of Malaya, Uncle Norazit was one for another. His family, whom Ezzat dubs the 'Sluts' (because of Uncle Norazit's name, Norazit Salat), consist of Uncle Norazit obviously; Auntie Lynn, a jolly Australian woman; Karim, who hangs with Ismet at times; and Anwar, who's in Ezzat's circle of friends since they pretty much grew up together. So I went to visit them at the hospital just now (actually I was dragged by my mom, but that's not the point). Auntie Lynn was like, 'Just don't say anything cheery.' ...okaaay. Karim, as usual, went off on how 'I used to chase her around the house when she was six and naked, man! She's so grown up now!' Anwar was a mess, it was horrible seeing him like that because he's usually so happy. See, usually I stay away from scenes where people are dying or are already dead unless I really did know them and they had a significant impact on my life. I just don't like barely knowing someone at all and showing up in situations like that in tears, because it's... I don't know. Hypocritical isn't the word, but it's the best one I've got right now. But for some reason, when I gave big ol' Anwar a hug and sat down to chat about what's been going on, I felt his grief. I've never, ever, seen him so low. Sigh... oh, by the way, just in case you're wondering, it's his kidneys. Uncle Norazit's kidneys are failing him.

4) I love Auntie Adibah. This morning, I followed her to drop Saiful off at Pudu (the main bus depot in town) and she treated us to breakfast, as usual. Once we sent Epol off, she drove me back to Hartamas so I could get my car and head to school. On the way back, we had such a lovely chat. She was praising me so much, it was so touching, yours truly was blushing. 'Because of you he's so much more focused now on what he wants in life.' 'He's changed so much since you came into his life.' 'The other day I was telling him his gigi berkarat* and asked him to go for scaling. Last time he would just go "Aaah, malas*!", but he was just, "Oh, yeah, Alia was saying something about it too. I'll do it."' 'He cares so much about you Alia.' And (in response to me saying 'Thank you for being so nice to me') 'Anyone who makes our children happy we accept.' Oh deary deary me. She was almost completely making up for what a turd my mom has and still is being. Saiful and I are so going to have to spend the holidays with his side of the family in the future.

5) Haha... lunch on Saturday at Chili's in Bangsar Shopping Centre. Hanis, or since I know him well enough now, Jeff (for Zaffri, Hanis Zaffri), was with me, Epol and Auntie Adibah. He came late so when he was eating his entree, Auntie Adibah left to go to the shops upstairs. But even before she left the table, I heard Jeff speaking in full sentences. Amazing. He's always so... mute. And I found out that if Epol were ever to be locked in a room for an extended period of time and could only bring one person, Jeff would be it. I answered Melissa.



*seminit: se - 'one', minit - 'minute'
*blur: colloquial for 'slow on the uptake'. In other words, 'possibly related to Keanu Reeves'.
*gigi berkarat: gigi - 'tooth', or in this case 'teeth'; berkarat - literally 'rusty'. So literally the phrase means 'rusty teeth'. Figure it out. It's not thaaat gross though. Not the caries type. Just... not squeaky clean enough.
*malas: 'lazy'

Whee!

Finally moved to the God-forsaken rock that is Nusa Subang. Tis far, far away from civilization. The nearest mall is 10 minutes away. The shoplots nearby haven't opened up because, hey, there aren't any residents, so why should they? Blaaargh. I hate this place. I haaate this place. I barely have any space to do work. I have to sleep with the windows open because the air-conditioning hasn't been installed yet.

Although, since it's Chinese New Year, the roads are empty. Hehe.

Just Another Typical Monday Night

I just got off the phone with Maryam after not catching up for a while. I have been laughing so hard, my sides hurt. I apologize, her mother is a lot worse than mine. There were so many stories, I'll just regale one:

Maryam was sick the other day, and her temperature was so high, she was at the point of hallucinating. So her mother comes into the room, sits next to her. Maryam's thinking, 'Oh, my mother has come to comfort me, how nice.' And then her mom pinches Maryam's nose and goes, 'You know, you would look so much better if your nose was sharper.' I almost died laughing. I plan to write a sitcom based on her family. It's worth it. It's the funniest shit you would ever watch. Although Maryam insists it would be a horror movie.

On another note, for some strange reason, after hanging out with Maryam since I was fourteen with no problems or objections, all of a sudden my mom doesn't like me associating with her. Since I'm moving so fucking far away, I figured that I'd go to Yam's place in between classes and especially on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, when I have Taekwondo in Kelana Jaya at 7.30 p.m. And Maryam has already agreed to it, which was great, considering she's the only Muslim friend I have in the area so finding a place to pray wouldn't be a problem. I would go to Nurul's place, but she's in UiTM Shah Alam during the week. Then my mom says, 'If Maryam wasn't so weird I wouldn't mind you going over to her place. I haven't even met her mother.' Eh? After five years, only now? Buzz off, bitch, at least I'm saving on petrol.

Nnggaaah. I have no mood for this. Although all this stair climbing and load lifting is toning me bod. Oooh. Me sex-ay thang.

Too Much Thinking

It's been a confusing weekend. Was packing and moving boxes, worrying about finishing my assignments and had so many thoughts in my head I can't even begin to catalog them. I did finally catch up with Rashdan after so very long though. We were talking on the phone (as usual) and he was going on and on and on about what was up and when he was done, it was like, 'Yeah, so, that's about it for me, what's been up with you? (pant, pant, pant)' ...It was so funny. I felt a lot better after the call though, which made me realize something.. See, late in the evening Saiful and I were having a drink at the mamak stall and I couldn't come up with anything to say. But when Rashdan called, all the words started coming out and I felt so much... relief. Rashdan's my good times friend in my bad times, if that makes sense. He's the only one that can make me feel better by yapping about only himself, possibly to take my mind off of my own troubles but probably because he's self-involved, I don't know. And I felt a little sad that today, I couldn't talk with Saiful but could with Rashdan. And during our nightly phone conversation, Saiful too pointed out that we don't really talk anymore, in person that is. Well, I see him only once a week, and we talk on the phone everyday anyway, so when we get together face-to-face, it's literally that. I used to see him every day before he left for Melaka, and at that point, yes, we talked in person. So now when I do see him, I get all the stuff that can't be out of the way during the week out of the way with. Like kissing. And feeling his touch. And just gazing into those lovely brown eyes taking in every inch of me. When we're together... love is all the conversation we need. Corny, hee.. But after being known as a mak nenek* my whole life, I can't find the words to say to the one I love the most. And that makes me the saddest.

I promise I'll write more when I get a little clarity. For the moment... I need some sleep.



*Mak nenek: literally 'mother of grandma' although I think in this case just 'grandma', term used for talkative and usually naggy females (although I'm not normally, I swear)

Ouch

Here I am, and 18-year-old girl, in her supposed peak, legitimately worried about throwing her back. I just carried 8 boxes downstairs so they can cart it to the new house tomorrow and I was already hyperventilating and sweating bullets. Nnggaaah. Confused? Here's the story:

In November last year, I started having pains in my lower right abdomen and was barely able to put my weight on my right leg properly. Thinking it was appendicitis, Abang gave me a checkup and said that I had UTI, or Urinary Tract Infection. Basically he dipped pH paper into my pee and there was blood in it, blah blah blah. Gave me pills, and I became better. Or so I thought.

The pain didn't go away.

I stopped going for TKD training for fear of, I don't know, snapping my urinary tract or something, plus kicking was becoming a chore. Left kicks meant balancing on my right and right kicks meant that the pain would be akin to my femur popping out of its pelvic socket. I walked fine, but my right side still hurt. Then, on the Friday after Hari Raya (during the last week of November), I developed a high fever, horrible nausea and I couldn't even pull my body straight to walk properly, so I was hobbling, clutching my side as my parents brought me to the emergency room at University Hospital, this time really worrying that I had appendicitis.

Blood tests, urine tests, painkillers injected up my ass, I writhed on my narrow bed in the emergency area, my sanity sustained by concerned SMSes from Faruq. (You may be wondering where Saiful was in this whole mess. So was I.) They took me in for X-rays, pulled my limbs in various directions to check for typical 'Ouch, that hurts!', but strangely enough, it wasn't appendicitis. Muscular-skeletal something. What? I thought. They gave me a truckload of painkillers and said that if the pain didn't go away, I was to see an orthopedist.

Surprise, surprise, the pain still didn't go away. Then, on the day of Ismet's wedding (December 21st), I ran into my dad's contemporary, a skilled orthopedist with a private hospital, and after a short chat, he told me that I most likely had slipped a disc. Uh-oh. So after much badgering, I finally pestered Abang into setting up an appointment for me at the orthopedists' clinic at the hospital. And after a check, yeap, I had slipped a disc. In my lower back, no less. And I had, and still have, no idea how it happened.

Thankfully enough, the doctor allowed me to go back for training, prescribed me some physiotherapic exercises and let me go with even more painkillers. It's been tolerable, apparently there's nothing that I can do to make it go away. I showed up for training for a week at the beginning of the year, and haven't been going for a week. I decided twice a week was too much for my back to handle after so long, so I'm only going once a week until I get my non-stamina back up to my normal level. Which isn't high. Why?

Here's a list of my other main medical conditions:
Low blood pressure - It's actually a good thing, since my body is naturally pacing itself, but I can't stand for too long, get up or sit down too quickly and my constant low stamina is finally explained.
Migraines - Developed it when I was fourteen. I can't get near coffee at all, and too much chocolate and cheese triggers amazing pounding in my head. Sugar highs become extreme lows as too much sugar too gives me headaches.
Shortness of breath - I have an allergic reaction to smoke. My lungs immediately refuse to take in air when I sniff smoke nearby. Akasha constantly smoking around me doesn't help. At all.
Possible diabetic - Thanks to both my diabetic parents. I'm already showing early signs, like drinking a lot and peeing a lot, having extreme sugar cravings and such.

I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me, there are a LOT of people worse off than I am. It's just that, well... to put it as simple as possible, it's annoying. That's all. I can do without all this, but there're always things we all can do without, no? So I pick myself up, and go on.

I just need help carrying these goddamned boxes.

I Need An Icicle

In Alice Sebold's 'The Lovely Bones', the protagonist Susie Salmon thought that the perfect murder weapon would be an icicle. And it is. No fingerprints, it will all melt away. And sharp and cold to inflict amazing pain. Must be why God blew my soul into the womb of a woman who lived in the tropics, He must not want me to commit many a grievous sin, most of all to my oh-so-wonderful mother. She and I have had the stupidest non-issues even before Saiful and I got together. The story of Saiful and my mother is so fantastically dumb that I want to wring Akasha's neck every time that I think of it, so best not to regale it until I am at peace with her - probably after I get hold of an icicle. And so after SaifulandAlia, I just got on the road to being indifferent to her. Which is worse than hate. I no longer care what she thinks. If she was a different person, say a classmate, I would still chuck her in a category far below the amoi bitches, and let me tell you, all the lecturers who have had contact with the bitches think that they're incredibly moronic, to say the least. But I digress. She and I just don't get along. At all. The only redeeming quality that she has is she cooks amazingly, but if that's the only redeeming quality you have, how sad is that? And to all you Lorelai-Rory type daughters out there who might start cursing me because I am speaking of my own mother like this, I say go. Right. Ahead. You didn't live with her for almost two decades. And I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Everyone else in my family do not like her. My father, my three brothers, even embah, none of them do. My mother's own mother despises her. I'll feed you scraps of my mother's lovely persona along the way. I need to enjoy my sour-cream-and-cheddar Ruffles in peace.

This has got to be the suckiest anniversary yet. Sigh... I love you, Saiful.

Of Soulmates

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth,
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt,
It’s still a little hard to say 'What's going on?'

There’s still a little bit of your ghost, your witness,
There’s still a little piece of your face I haven't kissed,
You step a little closer to me,
Still i can't see what's going on..

Stones taught me to fly,
Love taught me to lie,
Life taught me to die,
So it's not hard to fall,
When you float like a cannonball..

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear,
There’s still a little bit of your words I long to hear,
You step a little closer each day,
So close that I can't see what's going on..

Stones taught me to fly,
Love taught me to lie,
Life taught me to die,
So it's not hard to fall,
When you float like a cannon..

Stones taught me to fly,
Love taught me to cry,
So come on courage,
Teach me to be shy,
'Cause it's not hard to fall,
And I don't want to scare her,
It's not hard to fall,
And I don't wanna lose,
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know..

Damien Rice - Cannonball (from the album 'O')


As I sit here and wait patiently for the stroke of midnight to arrive, marking the third month of SaifulandAlia, I ponder how is it that we are so sure we are to last. Are soulmates a creation of warped romantics or are they really part of the Plan? This argument can also be put forth to the question of fate in general, but I'd like to focus for once. In Islam, there are two things that are certain, ajal and jodoh. Ajal being your death and jodoh being your life partner. Adding to that, jodoh is not to say, manipulatable, but say, if Saiful were to deny me, I would still be floating around looking for The One even though he is. And how am I to know anyway? I've had exactly two non-relationships that lasted a day and three months each, I fell in love twice (with two other people aside from aforementioned non-relationships with whom nothing had happened) thinking they were The Ones. Or was I denied because I was holding out for The Actual One? And what is love anyway, this subject that is the subject of so many songs, books and movies? I personally define it as a profound connection with a significant person that you care about deeply and cherish coupled with physical/sexual attraction. And how to make all this last anyway?

My head hurts. Too many questions. None that really need to be answered. Because I know I love Saiful. And that Saiful loves me. And that no matter what anybody says (read: Mom) and whatever happens, we will be in love with each other and be together til death do we part.

I'm such a sap. It's a lovely feeling, I tell you.

Busted Stuff

I have yet to find a rat among my dust bunnies. Once Yuni was ordered by Akasha to clean Ezzat's room and she found a rat in one of his discarded shoeboxes containing discarded photos and discarded film containers. Now that I have to pack my 'hallway of a room' up, seeing the dust is making me shudder.

As it turns out, I didn't have the heart to leave most of my stuff behind. Every bitty thing is being chucked into my lovely IKEA boxes. I guess the rat is me.. Pack rat, geddit? Ugh, I always knew I shouldn't have been a comedian. Hold on... ah Akasha is wondering whether I'm 'distancing' myself because I didn't say hi to her when she came back from work. Dipshit. Now I have no mood to write. Because to regale the history of her and I... too much emotional- rollercoaster-tango crap. Signing off now.

Thanks a lot, Mom.