Two nights ago was one of those nights, like few others, worth bottling up and preserving. I can't express it any better than Cik Li, yet I must add that never have I ever been privy to such wonderful company in such a glorious setting. Cik Li and The D tangled on the floor, Khairil and Kim and I squeaking on the bedsprings whilst gorgeous music was floating about us along with cigarette smoke and rapturous laughter/banter in the dim dim light of The D's room. I dub us The Specials now, though I'm positive there's a ska band of the same name, so what. Icelandic music, humorous nudity, straaange friends and much else were exchanged opinions and chuckles over and time flew by mightily quick. I somehow regret not taking photos of the night, but photos would not have done justice to the tangible mood of the moment.
{tangent}
Today, by the way, was a Deeparaya celebration of sorts at college, although me fasting and multiple trays of food were having a minor disagreement. And because I took pictures this time, here are some of my favorite college boys, for your future visual reference:
Mr Feisol the abso-fucking-lutely gempak
Mr Mustafa the cool duuude
Suffian/Pyan the jambu jambu boy
{back}
After the fascinatingly entertaining festivities were over, I headed to The D's house (again) to steal DVDs and maybe some internet time. Two hours we spent lounging around his room yet again, and somehow the presence of The Specials were still there and not just in the magic of MSN that connected us to Kim, Khairil and Cik Li all in one evening. A rare occurence in the first place made even more rarer that the [.]-who-is-never-online was, well, online, but mostly, I could swear that I could still smell the air of that night lingering about the room. Once again, the room was the only place I wanted to be at that moment as I threatened the guppies with more lavender bits and rolled amongst the soft soft comforters of the bed.
I have a feeling that I have made real friends here, in this space, this room, and I'm coming back again to feel the warmth of what fabulous company can give. This is officially one of my favorite places, and I heart The D for being such a sport. Thanks.
I pulled up into the Shell station near Alif, and as usual, strike up conversation with this particular attendant whom I always exchange pleasantries with but have no idea the name of and vice versa. Anyway.
Me: Hi! Raya balik mana?
Him: Kita balik Johor..
Me: Johor kat mana?
Him: Batu Pahat.
Me: Batu Pahat.. kat mana?
Him: Kampung Merdeka.
Me: Kampung... Merdeka... kat... mana?
And as it turns out, his grandparents stay on the road that is exactly perpendicular to the road that my grandmother's house is on. The world, my friends, is getting smaller by the minute.
It's finally finally really dawning on to me. I always knew it but I didn't want to say it. After a lifetime of friendship, twenty million series of events that made us laugh and cry and share, I refused to believe that I'm still in love with him after almost seven years. That he is a friend, nothing more, even though in the word 'friend' does no justice to what he is to me. The man I measure every other man against. Not in terms of looks or humor or style or even what I say carries the most weight, passion. There is absolutely nobody that will ever induce the cataclysm of pure, raw emotion he does in me. And he doesn't even have to do anything. Anything at all. The mere glance at his photo, a fleeting thought of that one perfect night where all we did was sit in silence, and I know that no one could ever be equal to him. I could be having the most completely horrific day of my life and just seeing him, just sharing the same space with him for all of two minutes, and all would be okay. I don't have to tell him that anything's wrong. I know he senses my troubles, and he projects this.. this magical bubble that absorbs all my pain and floats it away. He is the one reason why I can't ever really fall for anyone else. There are, of course, those whom occasionally tug at my heart, but in the end, all they would be are wonderful and amazing men who are reliquished to a collective second best position. There was one and only one person who managed to come even close to contending with him. He persisted and persevered to win me over but by the time I realized that yes, I could be happy with him, it was too late and I let him get away and what is left is a song wrought with apology and a peculiar friendship that grasps at straws of sporadic phone calls and even fewer meetings.
I came to this revelation while observing the silent interactions between Li and D, how they, like all other couples, have their own little frequency of emotional exchange. I know that I always wanted that and always will, but I know now that to have that with anyone else is impossible. At the back of my mind, a voice that gradually gets louder and louder will always be telling me that I'm not being fair to the other person. It is only just to give all of yourself, and I know that I can never. Even the fact the he has a girlfriend whom he loves, cherishes and adores, who loves, cherises and adores him, does nothing. Even with the hasty confession I made four years ago that wasn't recieved, does nothing. I fell for him when we were leaving childhood behind and have grown up through the biggest losses and most wonderful gains to understand each other in a way no one can comprehend. Back then I could pass it off as infatuation, now not anymore. Every time I see him, and all the little things he does for me, only signals another influx of love. I can't help it. I can't get my mind off of him. I can't get my heart back from him.
This man I cannot live without, yet this man will probably never be, for circumstances beyond my control. If I never get another man, if I never get another great love, then so be it. I'm not sure whether I'm ready to move on, whether I can. And I'm not sure whether I want to either.
Earwax: Pile ou face interprété par Emmanuelle Béart
A phone call from Seattle and video games in Singapore made me such a happy little girl again that I am presenting to you my most-annoying-to-code-layout-so-far with a teriffically huge smile on my face. Oh, and I've decided against getting the Lomo ColorSplash. Going for the LCA now, with the add-on ColorSplash flash. Another RM366 to go. Man, I'm earning this.
I don't know whether it's the mood swings talking, or the pod people have taken over my body, but right now, I am NOT in the best of moods. In fact, for the first time since I was 12, I feel like physically hurting someone (not you, someone else - you'd be surprised who). Don't ask me what's wrong because I have no bloody clue. All I know is that I'm very pissed at certain individuals - myself included, mind you - and that the one person who can make me feel better has tried valiantly to do so but nope, no dice. I keep forgetting that everyone has their own lives and most of the time, it doesn't include me. Don't worry, I'm not about to slit my wrists, and no, I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me.
The bright side is, it's much easier to get work done when you feel like crap. And the people I least expect to become the ones I can count on (Thanks loads for today, Mr. F, you are the best).
I need to rearrange my life and someone's face. Therefore..
- Hiatus -
p/s - since it's going to be Raya soon, Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin to those who celebrate it.
p/s/2 - Sorry Li, I've got 25sen of credit, not much to yak on. If you want to hang out, I'm free Thursday. Be warned that I'm going to be very surly.
p/s/3 - Sorry Sa.. I need you badly now, but you're a bit too far away. Maybe I'll call you yah?
Earwax: Twilight as played by The Twilight Singers
I'm learning, slowly but ever so surely, that life is ultimately a solitary experience. I'm learning to cherish the small blocks of time that I have all to myself, from speeding through Tropicana, to vegging out on Sex & The City, to dining alone again at Friday's. It's been an amazingly long time since I truly experienced something with someone, anything with anyone. Everything is always passing by in a hazy blur of scents and sounds peppered with occasional sharp images of something beautiful and captivating that I carefully store at the back of my mind. It's always going too fast for me. Life, is always going too fast for me.
Nineteen's not old at all. But I'm starting to feel that it is. Childhood has long been left behind, and just like my brother before me, I'm getting jaded before I even turn twenty. I used to scoff at him, and when I say used to, I mean as near as two months ago. At 24, he only really has two friends, and he broke up with his girlfriend of about five years because 'there are things in life that I haven't experienced, haven't discovered, that I need to do by myself'. And now I'm starting to see his point. You can always bring someone along for the ride, but it never will last. Everybody drifts apart and pulls together like ferum dust in an Etch-A-Sketch. You might meet again, you might not, depending on how the guy upstairs draws your life. I'd all like to think I'm in charge, and to a certain extent I am. Even one the two things that are certain, jodoh, the other being death, depends on whether we meet, we fall or we say no. Life is, at the end of the day, a two-way street. But most of the time, I'm the only car on the road. And I'm seeing the glory in every minute of it.
