All I Needed

Earwax: Incubus - Make Yourself

I didn’t need him to profess undying love. I didn’t need him to whisper sweet nothings.

All I needed was to mean something to him.

He danced with me. Just for a little while. But it was all I needed to know that at the very least, he’s fond of me in some way.

But Then Again, Who Said Nobody Loves Me?

Thank you Shah, for Saturday. Yes, aku tak puasa. Aku tak boleh puasa. Takde kene-mengena dengan keadaan I yang berisi ni, ye.

Thank you Danial, for Sunday. We shall measure more things! And berkhalwat behind the sub-station. (Matchmaker project camne, Abang D?)

Thank you Pyan, for Monday. You rock. You do. You are an awesome friend in all the ways that truly matter. Just keep the porn to yourself :P

<3

Wait Til They Undress You

You know that feeling you get when you think you don't quite measure up? All of a sudden everyone's superior in every which way. When you think (you know) that they're cooler than you. When you think (you know) that they're smarter than you. When you think (you know) that they're hotter than you. It's bad enough when you see that everyone seems better than you, but when you're among the second-best, when it's just one person that is more of an ish than you, that's when you go, 'oh fuck'. Her drawings are better, his music is cooler, she's infinitely more stylish than you could ever hope to be. Or maybe he's got more friends and runs with the 'it' crowd. Or she's on a full scholarship to somewhere you could never even get a sniff at. These thoughts roll through your head, poking their pointy points on the insides of your skull. You beat yourself up, thinking 'This must be why she's not friends with me,' or 'This must be why he never calls'. I used to have a rather healthy self-esteem. I still believe that everyone has their own things going on. But sometimes whatever you're great at doesn't matter, you want some of what they have. And you realize that all this while, you've been making all the effort and why aren't they reciprocating? Is it because I don't have _{(insert appropriate attribute/talent here)}? I can no longer tell them to shove cold sharp things up their large intestines. From caring to not caring, back to caring, I can't not give a damn. So you stew in your thoughts, wondering what the hell went wrong along the way. And the only conclusion you can come up with is 'Yes, it must be because I don't have _{(insert appropriate attribute/talent here)}. And the only wish you want, the only thing you're projecting, the thought that's poking inside your head?

'I'd give anything to be her.'

And you hate yourself more for it.

Peace, Post-Haze (Or, The Entry That Had Too Many Working Titles So Alia Gave Up And Took The Easy Way Out)

Parents are coming back tonight.

I had so much fun the past week it was illegal; no units to look over my shoulder, money to spend any which way I wanted to, more friends over than I had the energy to cook for, being on an unexpected holiday. I don't usually give shout-outs but I feel entirely obliged to give props to the people responsible for the great week I had.


The Happy Thursday Gang Of Four: Yam, Danial, Adi (so many things I could say about this day, but I'd rather keep them to myself this time)

Friday Night Crew: Ezzat (lepak ah uncle), Alissa (I larf yooou), Yam the Super Onion Peeler (she cooks rice too!), Eida (say hello to John!), Pyan (hahahahahhaahahaa), Atiq (I'm taking your phone away next time)

Sunday Night Crew: Danial (there is no spoon), Li (the Li the Li), Adi (oh God the mercun poses), Shaheeran (see, my house is fun!)

And of course, Kak Zura (you're the best), Low (finally finally), Iki (I. Do. Not. Smoke.) and Henna (you need to get out more) for the hours of laughs.


You guys are awesome. 'Nuff sed.

Peace, Pre-Haze

Earwax: Starsailor's 'In The Crossfire'

I missed my 200th post a few entries back. Dammit. (blink)


They say peace is hard to attain. I don't doubt that. I've experienced snatches of it throughout the years at the oddest times, like when I cut my foot back when I was 13. It was absolute serenity (though I was limping for fucking ages) and it made me realize that what I recognize as peace, for me at least, is the ability to not let things affect my state of being.

'Twenty bucks? Thanks.' (blink)
'I'm grounded? Huh.' (blink)
'Laparlah. Buka in 9 hours? Oh well.' (blink)

Things are happening, not happening, left and right. Parents are off, house to myself, catching up with old friends, cooking/cleaning/cat-sitting. Bad stuff happened, great stuff happened. But it's all pulling into a flatline. Which makes me worried that what I'm feeling isn't actually peace, just a chilled version of 'tak kisah'. Or maybe it's because I'm fasting and I can't be arsed to rustle up the energy to react as I usually would (see Yam's explanation on Maslow Hierarchy of Needs here). Or maybe because the temperature of every room I've entered seems to be tuned to that of a meat locker so it takes my mind off of my more... profound thoughts. Or maybe I do actually have brain cancer and it's pressing on whatever bit of my brain that regulates emotions. Or..

I give up.

I'm feeling peaceful. I'll just take it as that.

Brain Cancer? No, Just Hypochondria

My migraines are worse than usual. It's turning into almost-seizures, accompanied with nausea, shoulder pains, eye strain, the works. But not to worry, it's not brain cancer. And even though I've cut down on a lot of food, if I don't exercise again soon, my brain will probably get hit by a haemorrhage by the time I'm thirty. Which is... (calculates in my efficiency-has-been-compromised brain) ...ten years from now. And I know this because one of my lecturers went through the same shit when he was my age and last year got knocked out by a burst vessel. Health care has never been my strongest point, but now - coupled with my 3-month mission for mengancamness - I'm really going to put in as much effort as my currently creaky bones can muster. Too many things I haven't done yet. I don't want to be hampered too early by the inevitable wheelchair.

(And yes, aku taulah bontot aku besar. At least people can see me when I turn sideways. Yes, I mean you, you skinny shuffle boy :D)


So I drove the Kembara for the first time today.. Goddamn that thing can't go beyond 80kmph even if my bleeding brain depended on it. But a car is a car is a car, and thank goodness I've got wheels to, er, zip around with. Parents are heading off for umrah on Saturday up until the 17th when my mom gets back and Babah's coming back later, wants to go to Ujungpandang first or somewhere. Which means Kak Zura and Yam are sleeping over, Girl to 'keep an eye on me' and having Yam over cuts down on phone bills, so yay! Oh, and the reason the laptop is taking 3 weeks to fix is because the father will only be back at the end of the month and can't pay for it before. Compromise your daughter's education, why don't you.

I realize I blog more when I'm stressed and/or working, which explains the explosion of entries here and on the other one. By inference, that means that I've got work to do, therefore I'm neglecting it to blog, therefore I need to get back to it.

Cheers, folks. You'll be seeing a lot more of me soon enough.
(Streamyx is available in Nusa Subang! No more boondies!)

The Latino Touch

I went with my mom to Dimmo's place in Sunway yesterday night. OMFG that kid is so so spoilt it's incredible. A three-bedroom condo just for him and the maid, an RM13000 PC which he fully admits is just for gaming (didn't know they could cost that much), a laptop (yes, I know what you're thinking), flat screen tv, PS2, DVD player. And those are just the stuff that I can see. I thought Faruq was king of gadgetry-hankering, but this kid is just beyond comprehension. Plus Cik Ida knew when to say no to Faruq. Tante Hary needs to learn restraint. His maid has to pour out the cereal for him in the morning, by the way. Weird. And for the record, he's an 18 year old Indonesian. I guess when they have money, they reaaally have money.

---

Fede oh Fede. What would I do without you? Things are in perspective, thanks. I still can't believe one of your reasonings was of all things him being a workaholic; you are so much of an artist it's amusing. And yes, Yam, you did say everything Fede said, it just needed the latino touch, haha.


(So I don't usually babble here, but I feel like it since I think the xanga deserves some breathing space. And also Yam, I've lauded you a lot so I believe Fede deserves at least a couple of paragraphs)


Here are a few general details introducing Federico:
- he's an Argentinean (25, correct? I think so)
- he's a fabulous poet and prose writer, and not because he's Latino, he just is
- he found this blog through a friend of his who happened here by chance (ah, the Internet)
- he left the six-comments-in-one-comment with no contact details which drove me nuts

and here's the kicker..
- I found him again through simple deduction and a couple of clicks

Need I mention again that this guy is from Argentina? We had no connection before this. Nada. Zilch. And it was that easy to find him. I didn't even use a search engine (don't freak out, Fede, you love me now remember? Remember?) though I owe a lot to Maria Tidball. I'd like to think that we're good friends now, and your words, dear Fede, have made so many of my days I cannot even begin to count. That song you wrote is tacked up on my wall among my other lyrics; it makes me smile that someone cared enough to write me into song. I can't wait til you come here next year, when I promise I will show you around like a zoo animal - I mean, around KL (and maybe out of town? How bout the islands? East Malaysia?) and my mom can finally meet you. 'Hensem tak?' she asked. I just smirked and raised an eyebrow. Just so you know, I said 'Boleh tahan jugak. Mengancam jugak mamat tu.' (I'll tell you what that means on msn, you can try to figure it out in the meantime) It's nice to have hot friends, and yes, you are hot, not rather hot. My mistake. Haha. But I digress. It is your heart that astounds me. Your words and your easy nature. How I look forward to your pretty rambly emails and seeing the vincha online. You are an amazing soul and I can't believe how lucky I am to be in your atmostphere.

Mi gusta Fede! (yes, my Spanish is better than your Malay)


p/s - Ya Rabbi, traffic I pun naik jugak. Terima kasih banyak-banyak :P
p/p/s - This is beyond hilarious. You have to check it out.

But, But, I Don't Smoke!

I woke up at the first ring of my alarm this morning. 8am on the dot. Didn't slam the snooze until 11, realize it was useless and shut it off and sleep til 3. Amazingest.

My one superpower was being able to eat. And eat. And eat. I used to be able to cook 2 cups of rice, make that into nasi goreng, polish it off and still be hungry later. Now I cook 1 cup of rice, eat half of it and go 'okay, maybe not a good idea to take more.' Although it's a good thing that I'm not being mistaken for a DBKL truck anymore, I feel like I'm losing my one and only superpower. Of course, some people are no help. 'But you're still fat!' Gee, thanks a lot Ma. Terima kasih ke atas segala dorongan dan sokonganmu. Sheesh.

I've been feeling like smoking up these days, which is weird, cos I've never done it. But then again, there was a period of time when I kept reaching for cigarettes only to realize I don't smoke, much less own a pack of fags. But I think I will do it this time. That purple haze thing sounds fantastic.

And The Cosmic Order, For Once, Helps Me Out

I'm not going to rehash the fiasco that's been playing out the past 24 hours - malas nak type banyak-banyak - so for his side of the story go here and for my side go here. Think what you want, make your own assumptions, but whatever it is, before anything, read both sides of the story first. I know I was wrong, I am sorry, and if you know me at all, I don't hand out apologies or admit I'm wrong very easily.

What's interesting, however, is how all of this took place in the fabric of yesterday. You know those stories of people who get fired from one job and ten minutes later gets called with an offer for a better job? Or people who trip and scrape their knees but find a wad of RM50 bills in the gutter? I was literally pounded with Khairil's words (it's the way you say things, that's one of the reasons I liked you) at roughly 5pm, but by the time 8pm rolled around, it was like Maryam with the Chad who?, I went Khai-who? Or almost did, at least.

When one window slams shut and keeps out the flies, another opens to let in the glorious wind. In the words of Liyana, if temporary distraction is all I allow this one to be, that's all he'll ever be. I found someone else. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who is passionate about all the same things as me. Someone who can tahan my ridiculous jibes and be able to balas balik skillfully without going overboard. Someone who (unfortunately but obviously) dresses better than I do and will always be skinnier than me. Someone who was right there all the time, who - pay attention here - came up to me. Alia the flirtwheel had someone berpotensi come up to her. And even if we don't ever take that road, he's a great guy to have around. We're supposed to work together on a bunch of music/web projects, and maybe afterwards put on our uniforms and spar with each other until something snaps. Maybe smoke up (if I ever get over my can't-use-drugs-for-pleasure allergy). Hell, I'd be happy - and I know the footstool would be too - if all we ever did was just hang out and enjoy each other's company.

If you didn't do what you did Khairil, I might have missed this. I might have passed on yet another chance while stuck in delusion. Thanks for being harsh. I appreciate it.