because i’m lethargic. i woke up lethargic and i’ll sleep lethargic. and i’m training lethargic and i’m snacking lethargic. and i’m typing lethargic. and i’m typing “lethargic”.
- Attack of the B Movie
There hasn’t been much to talk about lately. I eat. I sleep. I refresh my email / LJ / Malaise forum over and over just in case somebody says something interesting. What was supposed to have been me catching up with schoolwork has turned into an extended vacation, punctuated with events happening in (rather) leaps and bounds. Otherwise it’s back to watching Grey’s Anatomy, reading travel guides on Argentina or more sleep.
I can’t really pinpoint exactly when it was when I started falling out of adore (I wouldn’t call it love) with architecture. At the very heart of it I still do want to be a designer, but the magnitude of study, the sheer fucking volume of everything that being an architect entails has managed to intimidate me into a tiny ball of fluff. I’m a master at flaking out of schoolwork, you can ask anyone that. But that was back at school, when it didn’t matter so much. When it didn’t cost my father his hard-earned money. Now I feel like I’m letting everybody down, myself most of all. The Alia was supposed to be able to do pretty much everything. And as luck would have it, the one thing that she was expected to be able to do, she failed miserably. Twice, to be precise, but hey. Who’s counting?
Paper. They say it’s important. I don’t doubt it for a second. You can’t get very far these days without a master’s, much less a degree, much less a diploma. Unless of course, you’re willing to work your tush off, which as many of you probably inferred from the first paragraph, I’m not. Blessed with the uncanny ability to ace written exams when I absolutely need to, I thought that I’d be more interested in a project-based course. After all, I can’t be carrying around books and staring at the computer screen forever right? But that’s what I’m doing these days. That’s even what I’m supposed to be doing anyway - not that I can render with 3ds max worth a damn. Not that I can render by hand worth a damn either but that’s beside the point. Maybe I would’ve been better off studying something book-and-paper based. But I know that I wouldn’t be interested in it. BUT I know now I’m no longer interested in this.
I know what I don’t like, yet I have no clue what I like. I can tell you the little things: I love Cursive, I can read Anthony Bourdain over and over, I eat mee sup when I can’t think of anything to make for dinner. But what do I want? Or here’s the even bigger question, what do I need? Does anybody really know what they need? Do I really need to do go on with this? There’s a fine line when balancing pleasing your parents and yourself and the more I go on, the more terms I go through squeezing my dad’s bank account dry, I feel like I’m letting them down more. And more. (And more.) They think I don’t care. I care more than they think.
Too many nights now I’ve tossed and turned before going to sleep, hoping fervently that I don’t wake up. Dying in slumber sounds like the least painful option; it’s either that for me or getting shot in the head - I’d be gone before the pain registers. Aside from school things are going too well to be Alia’s life in motion picture. I’ve never let education bother me this much. Is it because this time I’m actually paying for it? Or is it because this time it actually counts? Or maybe that it’s actually what I need to do but I don’t know it? I’ll ask it again, what do I need? God, please let me not wake up.
Although.. I’ll definitely say this. No matter what I do, no matter when I go, I want - no - I NEED to feel that I’ve made someone’s life at least that much better. You leave a mark on everyone everywhere you go, I just want to leave big big marks on people who mean as much to me in return. I’d fantasized before about seeing how the world would be like if I weren’t born. You think you don’t matter. You matter more than you think. I just want to see how I fit into the grand plan. In the meantime, I’ll keep going on. My choices are no longer choices. Student, daughter, friend, lover. That’s all I can manage right now.
Goodnight.
(stream-of-consciousness exercise at 3:02am, 03/17/06)
