wordpress // quince

(or, my fellow explorer)

somebody has been all i can think about these days. i've never been giddy about someone like this. it's the feeling you get when you meet a new friend in kindergarten and all you want to do is tell your mama all about him. you want to ride the swings in the park with him, want to watch the stars, want to share cookies while you two put your feet up and watch tv together. we have a really childlike kind of connection - i don't know about him, but for me, i suppose it's because i never really had that best friend when i was little. i was always marching to a different drummer than the other kids. cliched, but they didn't understand me or where i was coming from. i was always the filler friend; never in the middle of the action at birthday parties, second last to be picked on a side for games. but he makes me feel like he wants me around. we sulk together, manja together, poke fun at each other. every beep on my phone indicating his text, every blink on my taskbar showing his instant message makes me break into a grin. and all i want to do is tell my mama all about my awesome new friend and you know what he did today mama can he come over and watch tv mama please mama can we go out and eat candy and watch movies mama?

Vox // algunas veces

Last night, I looked for my mother. If nothing else, this is how I know I'm depressed. At the end of the day, no matter how much I want to rip her limbs off, she's still the only mother I've got. And when a kid's depressed, she wants to hug her ma. I knocked on her room door, and she was sitting on her bed, reading the yasin for my late grandmother.

"Hmm?" she asked.

I sat next to her and put my arms around her waist.

"If you're going to stay, cover your legs," she said, pointing at my shorts.

Pulling the comforter over my legs, I sat there, my arms around her, as she read on. I stayed until she finished, and left the room. I felt a little better after that. This doesn't happen very often.

wordpress // catorce

i'm too much. i know i am. i'm inappropriate, i'm brash, i'm rude. sometimes i wonder if i should hold back. restraint is not a strong point in my book. but then again i never saw the point. why should one reserve their true self at the beginning only to have it bubble and fester until comes the time when it just unleashes itself (and usually in a very ugly way)? it's a form of deceit for me, to be all coy and only show the good parts to your new friend/potential partner/etc. if they mean anything at all to me, i want them to accept me as everything that i am, personality pockmarks and all. that way, when they don't run away, i know that they really want me around. or desperate for company, but that's another story.

so here i am, blasphemous, smelly, teetering on bipolar. love me!