wandering in my head lately :
you know, the more you say you don't want to be in a relationship and that you're not ready and that you don't believe in marriage? makes you sound like you want to, you are ready, and you believe.
i once read, 'it has been said that a child who loses a parent is an orphan. a man who loses his wife is a widower. a woman who loses her husband is a widow. there is no name for a parent who loses a child, for there are no words to describe this pain.'
i don't know what this means, but every time after i see him, i want to see you. every single time.
i think i have too many ideas for my deli/tapas bar, but too many ideas is better than too little.
current living situation plan: stay at home until graduate with degree > argentina for a year (at the very least a month) whether to do my masters or not > rent a house with friends for a couple of years just because > if i'm getting hitched then it depends on the guy's plans too, if not then it's back home.
we're telling each other bit by bit, filling in the gaps in the picture we have of each other. it feels deliberately slow in a good way. like we know we have all the time in the world to get where we know we're going.
sometimes i think the real reason why no one can be with you is because even you can't stand being with yourself.
that was the first time i sang that song to a man i've never kissed. didn't last very long though, hah!
i love how we both live for today but plan like we have our whole lives ahead of us.
everything i do, i do it for me (at least i'm honest enough to admit that).
i have so many unread books. i should control my time online.
of course i want him to fall in love with me. it's going to make leaving for argentina, even for a little while, a disgusting bitch though.
August 23, 2008
August 19, 2008
wordpress // diez
other ways in which my life could have gone:
a concert musician.
studying music from the age of six does funny things to your brain. everything you play or listen to is immediately subject to interpretation and analysis, nothing is purely pleasurable sound anymore. there weren't so many ways i could go with classical music - the most obvious choice was to join an orchestra or play in hotel lounges for the rest of my natural life. unfortunately, lack of talent, skill, and practice led me to let go of this career choice... and go into indie music instead \m/
an aerospace/aeronautical engineer for the military.
this was as serious about science as i ever got in my life. uninteresting physics teachers didn't help at all, though i don't blame them. i never wanted to do this because i was patriotic, i just thought planes and rockets were cool (i still do - if we had discovery turbo or the military channel, those would be my default channels). i even looked up colleges to study engineering; i was thisclose to sending an application to mcgill. but a life in the military meant that i wasn't going to see the people that i love on a regular basis. eventually, the idea fizzled out.
a line cook.
i discovered food, really discovered food (even though i've been flopping around in it since i was wee) when i was about 18 or 19 watching channel 11 (now 707). anthony bourdain opened my eyes; i bought his books, devoured every single word and when i dreamed at night it was in a clanging smoking midtown kitchen banging out orders on the fly while working at the sautee station. bad knees and joints in general grinded this career path to a halt - working on my feet 12 hours a day? horreur! i still potter around in the kitchen ever so often, and am still constantly - and i mean constantly - looking for ideas for my future deli/tapas bar.
an industrial designer.
don't ask me how, i ended up in design school studying architecture. i loved and still love every aspect of my syllabus, the art, the science, the history, the law, everything. but as time went by, i fell apart and i couldn't cope with the work. it came to the point where i would literally cry when i sat at my drawing table with the clutch pencil. it was heartbreaking, i really did love it, and i was already 2 years into my diploma at that point. to save my effort, i decided to finish my diploma then transfer as many credits as i could to a degree in industrial design - i still loved physics, construction and i needed my work to ask of me at least a little creativity. as luck would have it i couldn't even finish my architecural diploma, and that was that.
a social worker for people with learning disabilities.
while looking for ways out of design school, i tried my hand at volunteering. animal shelter, center for special youth, old folks' home. i found that it was incredibly liberating to do something completely for another being, not worrying whether i was going to make money or bring home any bacon. i was really interested in figuring out ways to help mentally-challenged children learn (i still am, on some level). my biggest dream now (aside from argentina) is to set up a properly funded, properly equipped youth council with appropriate programs and facilities - because really, when you don't take care of your youth, you're not taking care of your country, your own kids, your own future.
right now, i'm studying media & communication. mostly because it's an area that i can fare pretty well in and i need to show my parents a piece of paper to make them happy. working as a piano teacher/voice over talent/composer part-time helps with the whole 'steady income' bit until i figure out what i should concentrate on. at the end of the day though, i still feel that life is too short to be tied to one path (though not to one person - i'm all for that). i'm a big fan of veering off said path. maybe one of these days i'll find where i'm supposed to go.
a concert musician.
studying music from the age of six does funny things to your brain. everything you play or listen to is immediately subject to interpretation and analysis, nothing is purely pleasurable sound anymore. there weren't so many ways i could go with classical music - the most obvious choice was to join an orchestra or play in hotel lounges for the rest of my natural life. unfortunately, lack of talent, skill, and practice led me to let go of this career choice... and go into indie music instead \m/
an aerospace/aeronautical engineer for the military.
this was as serious about science as i ever got in my life. uninteresting physics teachers didn't help at all, though i don't blame them. i never wanted to do this because i was patriotic, i just thought planes and rockets were cool (i still do - if we had discovery turbo or the military channel, those would be my default channels). i even looked up colleges to study engineering; i was thisclose to sending an application to mcgill. but a life in the military meant that i wasn't going to see the people that i love on a regular basis. eventually, the idea fizzled out.
a line cook.
i discovered food, really discovered food (even though i've been flopping around in it since i was wee) when i was about 18 or 19 watching channel 11 (now 707). anthony bourdain opened my eyes; i bought his books, devoured every single word and when i dreamed at night it was in a clanging smoking midtown kitchen banging out orders on the fly while working at the sautee station. bad knees and joints in general grinded this career path to a halt - working on my feet 12 hours a day? horreur! i still potter around in the kitchen ever so often, and am still constantly - and i mean constantly - looking for ideas for my future deli/tapas bar.
an industrial designer.
don't ask me how, i ended up in design school studying architecture. i loved and still love every aspect of my syllabus, the art, the science, the history, the law, everything. but as time went by, i fell apart and i couldn't cope with the work. it came to the point where i would literally cry when i sat at my drawing table with the clutch pencil. it was heartbreaking, i really did love it, and i was already 2 years into my diploma at that point. to save my effort, i decided to finish my diploma then transfer as many credits as i could to a degree in industrial design - i still loved physics, construction and i needed my work to ask of me at least a little creativity. as luck would have it i couldn't even finish my architecural diploma, and that was that.
a social worker for people with learning disabilities.
while looking for ways out of design school, i tried my hand at volunteering. animal shelter, center for special youth, old folks' home. i found that it was incredibly liberating to do something completely for another being, not worrying whether i was going to make money or bring home any bacon. i was really interested in figuring out ways to help mentally-challenged children learn (i still am, on some level). my biggest dream now (aside from argentina) is to set up a properly funded, properly equipped youth council with appropriate programs and facilities - because really, when you don't take care of your youth, you're not taking care of your country, your own kids, your own future.
right now, i'm studying media & communication. mostly because it's an area that i can fare pretty well in and i need to show my parents a piece of paper to make them happy. working as a piano teacher/voice over talent/composer part-time helps with the whole 'steady income' bit until i figure out what i should concentrate on. at the end of the day though, i still feel that life is too short to be tied to one path (though not to one person - i'm all for that). i'm a big fan of veering off said path. maybe one of these days i'll find where i'm supposed to go.
August 15, 2008
Vox // playing catch(up)
Okay, so the voice-acting/dubbing thing didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would be. As in it wasn't that difficult to do. But I'll sooner chew my foot than advertise when it is the anime will be out on cable! I just did it for the check. Apparently Rashdan was in to audition later but there's only so many trips back to SSP I can take in a month, hehe. Picked up Munir and headed over to Raju's after that and man, nasi daun pisang is the only thing I would break my rice-fast for, plis. The sotong was especially good, though they cleverly disguised a lot of onions in the dish with batter so you would think you were getting more squid than you actually were -_- Mahal, tapi enak, lazat dan disukai ramai. Since Mokhtar was out doing errands, I didn't have to go in to work, so picked up Afi to go to A&W after that to get my ma's replacement burger (long story). Bought mango cotton ice cream (SO GOOD), a mandolin and a bottle of Sinchan ice cream soda at the 100Yen shop in Uptown. Especially stoked about the mandolin, think of all the chips I could make with this baby! Mmm. Ended my day at Li's lounging on her bed, ignoring invites to watch the short+sweet plays, then moving to the couch to watch the Olympics.
Now, just finished a bowl of Indomie soto betawi and listening to B-Quartet. Tomorrow night's Myo's farewell bbq, I'm bringing potato salad as usual ^^v It was really nice seeing all of them today after so long. I miss my days like these, days that are so full and lovely and fun that I just need to write it all down even though it's incoherent babbling (I should probably pick up scrapbooking). But schedules, oil prices and life gets in the way :\ Ok so that was my day, I am full, good nighto.
Now, just finished a bowl of Indomie soto betawi and listening to B-Quartet. Tomorrow night's Myo's farewell bbq, I'm bringing potato salad as usual ^^v It was really nice seeing all of them today after so long. I miss my days like these, days that are so full and lovely and fun that I just need to write it all down even though it's incoherent babbling (I should probably pick up scrapbooking). But schedules, oil prices and life gets in the way :\ Ok so that was my day, I am full, good nighto.
wordpress // nueve
You have been in my thoughts almost every day since that night in 2002; nobody has managed to hold me for this long.
This is how I know I'm attracted to you.
You make me feel everything and nothing, confused yet content, from perfectly numb to nervous explosions and back again.
This is how I know I'm connected to you.
You are the most hardworking and driven man I could possibly have the privilege of knowing.
This is how I know I respect you.
You are all I want and need in a partner, even without you knowing what I want and need.
This is how I know I adore you.
You make me want to be better, to push myself, to believe in what I'm doing. To do what I believe in.
This is how I know I owe you.
I love that you want separate bedrooms, that you're not picky about food, that you use the same mugs and dress in the same 5 tshirts and same worn pair of Adidas all the time. I love your perverted jokes, your silent laughter that you seem to reserve for me, your signature phrases. I love that you won't admit that you need someone to help you out with your work and that I'm probably the best person suited for the job. I love your strong hands, your tired hellos, your cute belly, your errant cowlick, your beautiful smile. Oh God, do I love your smile.
(I love your coffee and soda addiction, really, even though I don't agree with it)
I love that I couldn't detect your scent for the longest time, and when I finally did, I fell to the floor and closed my eyes so I could remember it. I love that you love kids and cats. I love that most of your friends are more than 5 years younger and you can joke and hang out with us, but you know your place in the world as an adult. I love that you're best friends with your parents, that you're a much gentler man than you were when you were younger. I love that you have gone through so much, and am still carrying the burden of taking care of your family but still you come out smiling (and winning) at the end. I love that you're happy making a living out of making other people happy making money from making music. I love that you know that you can be better, that you push yourself. That you already are that responsible, passionate man with dreams that you want to be. A man with dreams that he's not afraid to work towards no matter who or what gets in his way. I love our late afternoon talks that bleed into the night, when we talk about our dreams, our hopes, our plans. I love that you don't tell everything about your past, present, future to one person but me. I love that you deem me special, and mean it.
Most of all, I think, I love that you don't love anyone. Not like how I love you. Which, in the tiny instance of remote possibility that you may in fact love me back? would make it that much sweeter.
But I don't think you will anyway. That's okay. I'm okay alone. And you, obviously, are too.
August 14, 2008
Vox // hallelujah for jet black
(This was meant to be posted a long time ago, 03/26/08 to be exact, but better late than never eh?)
The keypad on my borrowed Nokia 6600 is going wonky - keys 1, 4, & 7 don't work and I've been trying to come up with ways to text. First attempt involved avoiding words with GHI and PQRS but it turned out harder than I thought - "it's a bitch to use big words" became "female woof2 to do a lot w" and replacing my S's with Z's. My second attempt which I'm trying out now is _e_lac_n_ t_o_e lette__ w_t_ unde__co_e_, ve_y Vanna W__te of me. I know I should just not SMS altogether or just buy the bloody Walkman phone myself already but if you knew me at all, in spite of trying my best to find the simplest explanations, I always do things the long way round.
The keypad on my borrowed Nokia 6600 is going wonky - keys 1, 4, & 7 don't work and I've been trying to come up with ways to text. First attempt involved avoiding words with GHI and PQRS but it turned out harder than I thought - "it's a bitch to use big words" became "female woof2 to do a lot w" and replacing my S's with Z's. My second attempt which I'm trying out now is _e_lac_n_ t_o_e lette__ w_t_ unde__co_e_, ve_y Vanna W__te of me. I know I should just not SMS altogether or just buy the bloody Walkman phone myself already but if you knew me at all, in spite of trying my best to find the simplest explanations, I always do things the long way round.
Vox // just a thought,
I've always said that I would like to date a human version of scary cat. Old, grumpy, fussy. Yet cuddly, handsome and would love only me. 5 out of 6: I dated you didn't I.
August 10, 2008
Vox // because my life isn't complicated enough
Added to my list of spur-of-the-moment crazy rules: no eating a dish outside if I haven't actually made it before myself. *
This little rule simultaneously kills several birds with one stone, and delicious little birds they are.
First, it saves me money. As many different dishes as I have made in the past, there are many many more I haven't. Eliminating those choices will mean - with my absolute pickiness in taste - that I would rather not eat at all. This keeps more change in my pocket for gas and saving up to buy more members of the Black family.
Second (this is most important), it gets me off my ass and into the kitchen. There are so many things that I've been meaning to make myself that I keep putting off; for example red velvet cake, which has been on the list since last year. This rule means that for me to want to eat said red velvet cake at all, I would have to make it myself first. There's also pizza, asam laksa, burritos, baba ganoush, wantan mee, etc etc etc. If I were to slack off from my kitchen time, that would mean that I'll be stuck eating the same old things day in day out. Kitchen work would thus be vital to the variety of my diet.
Third, as a result from the first bird I killed, I will simply eat less out and more at home. Eating less is always good for me - it's not like I work in the fields all day; I don't need that many calories. Eating more at home, or food from home means that I know how my food is prepped, what went into it. I'll also ration myself better because I know that there's more in the fridge, therefore I won't have to pressure myself into finishing the whole bowl.
So until further notice, eating out will restrict me to grilled meats, some pasta variations, sandwiches/burgers, salads, sushi (thank GOD I've made this!) and most Malay dishes. Ridiculous rule this is, but terribly effective. Because I really want to eat that bakso at Kampung Baru again, it will be first on my list to learn how to make. Line starts here for taste testers!
*This does not include:
- instances when someone wants to take me out; rule only applies when I would have to pay myself (I've never been ashamed of being a freeloader, hah!)
- dishes that I have never had before. If it's foie gras, sure. If it's the best chicken kiev you've ever had in your life, it's still a no.
- special occasions such as birthdays, reunions, eating everywhere in town before your dinner partner leaves for the UK (hi Ili!)
This little rule simultaneously kills several birds with one stone, and delicious little birds they are.
First, it saves me money. As many different dishes as I have made in the past, there are many many more I haven't. Eliminating those choices will mean - with my absolute pickiness in taste - that I would rather not eat at all. This keeps more change in my pocket for gas and saving up to buy more members of the Black family.
Second (this is most important), it gets me off my ass and into the kitchen. There are so many things that I've been meaning to make myself that I keep putting off; for example red velvet cake, which has been on the list since last year. This rule means that for me to want to eat said red velvet cake at all, I would have to make it myself first. There's also pizza, asam laksa, burritos, baba ganoush, wantan mee, etc etc etc. If I were to slack off from my kitchen time, that would mean that I'll be stuck eating the same old things day in day out. Kitchen work would thus be vital to the variety of my diet.
Third, as a result from the first bird I killed, I will simply eat less out and more at home. Eating less is always good for me - it's not like I work in the fields all day; I don't need that many calories. Eating more at home, or food from home means that I know how my food is prepped, what went into it. I'll also ration myself better because I know that there's more in the fridge, therefore I won't have to pressure myself into finishing the whole bowl.
So until further notice, eating out will restrict me to grilled meats, some pasta variations, sandwiches/burgers, salads, sushi (thank GOD I've made this!) and most Malay dishes. Ridiculous rule this is, but terribly effective. Because I really want to eat that bakso at Kampung Baru again, it will be first on my list to learn how to make. Line starts here for taste testers!
*This does not include:
- instances when someone wants to take me out; rule only applies when I would have to pay myself (I've never been ashamed of being a freeloader, hah!)
- dishes that I have never had before. If it's foie gras, sure. If it's the best chicken kiev you've ever had in your life, it's still a no.
- special occasions such as birthdays, reunions, eating everywhere in town before your dinner partner leaves for the UK (hi Ili!)
Vox // QotD: I've Always Wanted to Know...
If you were guaranteed an answer to any question you have, what would you ask and of whom?
Submitted by Cicero7590.
"Do you want to love me at some point in our lives?"
Submitted by Cicero7590.
"Do you want to love me at some point in our lives?"
August 07, 2008
Vox // we're not all that small (anymore)
Today was one of those days that you didn't plan but turn out all kinds of awesome anyway.
Ran into Rendra at the voice-over audition at purple houz (it's in the middle of PJ, no getting lost there). So happens that it wasn't a voice-over audition but a voice acting audition. The audition itself went okay, I guess - voice acting's not really my thing, so I left a voice over sample just in case they needed talents in the future. Rendra however absolutely killed, his voice has loads of attitude which was exactly what the dubbers wanted. Since purple houz was literally 2 streets away from our old primary school Sri Petaling, we decided to go back to school... for lunch! Both of us were laughing in wonderment that everything was so small when we remembered everything as being so huge. We walked around the grounds, recalling memories of events more than 10 years ago, running into old teachers. Nobody remembered me of course, but everyone remembered Rendra the Head Prefect of 1997 -_- Lunch itself was not bad at all, RM1.30 for a cup of mi sup. So engrossed we were catching up that we didn't realize that it started raining madness as we had dessert - yes we had dessert, the apam was goood - we ended up staying longer than planned. After a while, we decided that we couldn't stay longer (both of us had chores) we ran back to our cars in the rain and drove back to his house, where he let me plow through his dad's DVD collection. Suffice to say Uncle Zawawi is my new favorite person (he has hundreds, hundreds of movies) and I'll be back there again and again :D I left an hour ago and am now enjoying my favorite weather, a stack of good movies and another bowl of noodles. Today didn't turn out so bad after all.
Ran into Rendra at the voice-over audition at purple houz (it's in the middle of PJ, no getting lost there). So happens that it wasn't a voice-over audition but a voice acting audition. The audition itself went okay, I guess - voice acting's not really my thing, so I left a voice over sample just in case they needed talents in the future. Rendra however absolutely killed, his voice has loads of attitude which was exactly what the dubbers wanted. Since purple houz was literally 2 streets away from our old primary school Sri Petaling, we decided to go back to school... for lunch! Both of us were laughing in wonderment that everything was so small when we remembered everything as being so huge. We walked around the grounds, recalling memories of events more than 10 years ago, running into old teachers. Nobody remembered me of course, but everyone remembered Rendra the Head Prefect of 1997 -_- Lunch itself was not bad at all, RM1.30 for a cup of mi sup. So engrossed we were catching up that we didn't realize that it started raining madness as we had dessert - yes we had dessert, the apam was goood - we ended up staying longer than planned. After a while, we decided that we couldn't stay longer (both of us had chores) we ran back to our cars in the rain and drove back to his house, where he let me plow through his dad's DVD collection. Suffice to say Uncle Zawawi is my new favorite person (he has hundreds, hundreds of movies) and I'll be back there again and again :D I left an hour ago and am now enjoying my favorite weather, a stack of good movies and another bowl of noodles. Today didn't turn out so bad after all.
August 01, 2008
Vox // bandslutting, tis exhausting
These past few weeks have been crazy tiring. I thought taking July off would let me relax; I was dead wrong. Almost every band I've agreed to session for decided to collect: Silent Scenery, Lightcraft (ok this one I volunteered for), Rendra, Azmyl, MUZE. It was screwing up my head, and bad. Granted, I was the one who got myself into this mess in the first place, I just didn't know it was going to be such a mess. I know with the future I envision for myself I have to get used to slipping into different genres at the drop of a hat. It's just been such a crash course that it renders me completely exhausted until I can't sleep because I've turned off the radio but I can't turn off my head.
Wan gave me a copy of the Rogue Squadron mixtape - finally - and I've been listening to nothing else. Probably because it's such a departure from the guitar driven music that I've been bombarded with, probably because hip hop doesn't involve 7 minute audio wanking. But all that NBE on repeat, it woke me up. I've been meaning to slow down on obligatory music making. Listening to Fariz rhyme however, was a slap to the face. I need to get back to doing music because I love it, not because I have to. And I have to do it now. I need to play around with riffs, switch around patches, hum, pluck, anything, as long as I'm doing it for fun. As long as I'm doing it for me, and because I want to. I'm not reneging on any deals I've made. I'm just fulfilling them, and that's that. Everything from then on is going to be because I believe in a project, that I love it, that I want it.
..although of course, for extra cash I'd write contrived jingles for kids, even. Heh.
Wan gave me a copy of the Rogue Squadron mixtape - finally - and I've been listening to nothing else. Probably because it's such a departure from the guitar driven music that I've been bombarded with, probably because hip hop doesn't involve 7 minute audio wanking. But all that NBE on repeat, it woke me up. I've been meaning to slow down on obligatory music making. Listening to Fariz rhyme however, was a slap to the face. I need to get back to doing music because I love it, not because I have to. And I have to do it now. I need to play around with riffs, switch around patches, hum, pluck, anything, as long as I'm doing it for fun. As long as I'm doing it for me, and because I want to. I'm not reneging on any deals I've made. I'm just fulfilling them, and that's that. Everything from then on is going to be because I believe in a project, that I love it, that I want it.
..although of course, for extra cash I'd write contrived jingles for kids, even. Heh.
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