wordpress // dieciséis

(or, a study in selfishness)

I. Your pedestal has shattered. Or should I say mine, because I was the one who put you on it in the first place? Listening to you speak of how she didn't mold to you, didn't change herself to be part of your life, all to be accomplished within a few months, made me nauseous. That could have been me. That girl trying to kiss your ass, could have been me. Thank you, for opening up to me and telling me why you disappeared. Avoiding me for her sake? What sort of logic was going through your head? We're supposed to be, at the very very least, friends. It left me bewildered when you vanished - I was going through so many scenarios, each one more painful than the last. Thank goodness you're physically okay, though according to you, still an emotional wreck. You have things you need to figure out. You shouldn't have started what you did, not when you weren't ready. I really hope you will make someone happy someday. Someone who doesn't have to fit into your life. I still believe that there's an amazing man in there, and that he deserves everything. You deserve everything.

II. We wouldn't have worked. We really wouldn't. I know you, and you know me. We're not the type to get into something and just 'seeing where it goes'. We need to know how the story will play out and how the story will end. We can't be in anything other than for the long haul. I couldn't see a future with you, and that's why I moved on. Not because you seemingly did not reciprocate. We're just simply too different. But you, giving me the answer that should have been given months ago, when our fate apart was already sealed? I should have hated you for making me feel guilty, like I betrayed you. But I couldn't. I love you too much. I needed my best friend; I still need my best friend. I'm giving you all the time you need. Just please, come back into my life. I can't even think about you now, it hurts like fuck when I do. Losing you is one of the last things I ever thought would happen. I wasn't prepared for this. Come back. I miss you.

III. Perfection exists. It really does. The catch is that nobody is perfect on their own, they're perfect for someone. And the catch in THAT, is that you have to find that someone, on God's green earth, who is that fit for you. And you, needless to say, will fit for them. (And yes, I know I sound fucking redundant.) With everybody, there was always something to give up, to tolerate, to sacrifice. We've said this to each other so many times, and we will continue saying this to each other for the rest of our lives: we are a perfect fit. Even if that utterly catastrophic biblical SOMETHING were to happen to tear us apart, nothing will change the fact that we would be incredibly hard-pressed to find another that would fit like this. Not even close. (And here I am doing it again.) There was always a lingering doubt before you, a tiny voice denouncing the other as The One. There is none with you. None. You're it. This is it. I'm done. I'll never find someone better. I don't think that person exists. (And again.)

I'm just wondering what in heaven's name did I do right to have you.

Vox // thirty (unrelated)

definitive music for every year of my life since 1997

1997 - a long december (counting crows)
this was the first song i remember listening to that wasn't on a) a disney soundtrack, b) the oldies station, c) one of my kiddy indonesian cassette tapes. i would sing it in the car on the way to school, knowing i was cooler than my classmates, who were still singing along to spice girls.

1998 - the moffatts
then it all got shot to hell with the moffatts. peer pressure. although the bassist with the funny hair was sorta cute.

1999 - all saints
ni baru girl power sey. their first album is still one of my favorites. the lady marmalade cover is lovely.

2000 - sleepwalker (the wallflowers)
this was the catalyst to all and every song and band that followed afterwards. if it weren't for this song, i wouldn't have stuck on red fm, wouldn't have made friends with kevin b, wouldn't have fallen in love with music other than the stuff i banged out on the piano.

2001 - linkin park
i memorized every word of hybrid theory, as did maryam, and we would spend countless hours on the phone rapping back and forth. papercut was and still is an awesome song.

2002 - incubus
morning view was required listening for my very short lived band kurtapple (combination of kurt cobain and fiona apple - known as man nipples of death for all of five minutes). brandon boyd looks like recycled plastic now, but he was oh so pretty to stare at back then. so was einziger's pedal board.

2003 - something corporate
piano rock! i eventually had to come back to piano, and andrew mcmahon is my inspiration until now for every note i compose for my various projects. konstantine is one of the best songs i've heard ever, period.

2004 - franz ferdinand
o hai, foray into indie. self-titled album was a brilliant piece of work, and it was played in my car for most of the year. perfect driving music, holiday music, and get-up-and-go music.

2005 - klphq, back when they were still a quartet
yes yes i know shut up i know better now.

2006 - death cab for cutie
i loved them so much i went on a crazy ass search for every single song they ever wrote, every single side project gibbard was a part of from that thing he did with andrew kenny to all time quarterback. i wanted to marry him and make geek babies.

2007 - cursive
then i heard cursive. if there's anything material i would thank my ex for, it would be for cursive. tim kasher is a god. his lyrics are genius, his voice makes even boys pee in their pants, his progressions are amazing. new album out next year, fools, watch out!

2008 - lightcraft
in the year that i started really listening to local music, lightcraft really stuck with me. maybe because of all the times imam and i would emo together? maybe because of the live shows i would fangirl at? maybe because of the late nights of the magic trio hanging out at the studio? who knows, but i love these boys to death.

what are YOUR definitive music for the years of your life?